Week 15, day 2

I slept NINE hours last night! I feel soooo much better. I still feel a bit anxious. It’s this feeling like something’s bugging me, but I can’t quite figure out what (and looking for things is not a good practice). I looked up anxiety disorders and found descriptions of Generalized Anxiety Disorder that are WAY beyond what I’m experiencing, so perhaps I’m just reacting to various stressors. Clearly I need a pedicure.

Week 15, day 1

I’m having trouble getting a good breath, which is the way that my body tells me that I’m anxious – I’ve been anxious for so much of my life that I’m often not even aware of it outside of physical symptoms. I remember being about 5 years old and trying to make myself yawn because it felt good to fill my chest with breath. It hasn’t happened in awhile, though, and this time I am aware of feeling out of sorts and ungrounded, so I’m more aware than I used to be, which is helpful. I’ll just take care of myself and think good thoughts and watch for clues.

Week 14, day 7

Yeah! It rained this morning, which cut through the heat, and we went on a (wet) hike. I feel so much better. Then we took Raisin swimming and now we’re lying around reading libertarian conspiracy theory novels and eating snacks. Later we’ll rent a movie, I think.

Sometimes I wonder if there could really be a small creature growing in my body. It’s such a miraculous concept that if I didn’t know it were true, I wouldn’t believe it. Plus it seems like there should be more going on with my body. I mean, I’m growing a new human for God’s sake. I would think that I’d be more affected by that activity. As it is, I have no symptoms that couldn’t be attributed to a variety of other causes, and none of them extreme.

I suppose were it the case that females couldn’t do much for the 9 months of gestation the species would have had a rough time surviving. But still.

Week 14, day 6

It’s 80 degrees out. At night. Still. I can’t sleep in this heat. I don’t feel good.

Addendum: much better now. It only got up to 80 today and is down to 70-something as of 9pm. The real kicker is the humidity – 78% – which is unusual here. But with fans going every which way, I think I’ll sleep tonight.

It’s these rare occasions when we have icky weather that I really realize what an active, outdoorsey lifestyle Bear and I have built for ourselves. Hiking is out of the question until it cools down. As is rollerblading. Walking we can do in the evening, but jogging is flat out. Taking the dog to the park needs to wait till sunset. The beach is do-able, but it’s a hassle to park. What to do on the weekend when all of our favorite activities are ixnayed? I mean, we aren’t exactly mall people, and there are only so many movies we’re interested in.

Tonight we took a picnic dinner to Shelter Island and ate watching the fishing boats on the bay. It was a great way to spend a Friday evening. Lots of people do that, so it felt like sort of a community of overheated San Diegans.

Week 14, day 5

It’s not much fun when your clothes don’t fit, so every time I pull an item out of the dresser or closet and find it tight, I fold it up and put it in a suitcase in my closet. That way I don’t feel like a cow whenever I get dressed. It’s not as if I’ve gone up three sizes, but my body has changed. I’m buying cute things that do fit, which isn’t a bad thing, since most of what I’ve gotten has been on sale and will be wearable when I’m skinny again. I’ll likely need a few maternity things later, but I can go to Target and Old Navy to get that stuff inexpensively.

There’s a side benefit to a 3-month pregnant body, though. As I noted in an earlier post, I went to Sports Chalet on Monday and found a few things. One thing I bought myself is a bikini. Which I fill out rather nicely. I liked my compact pre-pregnant body, with flat abs and defined arms, but there’s definately something to be said for this new body too.

Week 14, day 4

Barry says that he can’t tell from reading this journal if I’m excited to have a baby, or just freaked out and a little sick.

Wellp, I’ve been a little sick, but not so bad. And yeah, it’s freaky. I mean, it’s a huge responsibility to create new life, and infants are completely dependent on their mothers, which makes me much more dependent on my man. It’s also a big change to both of our lives – a total transformation, really. Yeah, this does feel like a wild ride.

But I’ve never wanted ’she stood firmly in her comfort zone’ to be carved on my gravestone. And mostly I know what this is about. We’ve invited a spirit to become a part of our lives, and Spirit said Yes.

For every challenge of parenting (starting 14 weeks 4 days ago), there is a precious reward. For each diaper changed, frustrated tear shed, and dollar spent, we will grow more able to fully experience life. And that’s what it’s all about, really – saying yes to the experience of life.

So, little monkey, I am sooooooooo excited to get to know you. I can’t wait to show you this world and all the stuff that makes me smile, and to learn what makes you smile. I promise to be as fully present as I know how, and to dedicate my life to learning how. I commit to looking for the delight in each moment, even those moments in which delight is not the first thing I perceive. I know that you have as much to teach me as I do you, and I look forward to taking your small hand in mine and seeing the world with new eyes and a bright heart.

Whatever happens, small monkey, it’s us now – me and you and a dog who loves to run fast and the most wonderful daddy/husband/man we could wish for. I trust that.

I trust life.

Week 14, day 3

Apparently the small monkey is now about the size of an orange. I think it’s amusing that all of these pregnancy websites are comparing a fetus to citrus fruit. First it was a lime, then a lemon, and now an orange. Why not say ‘the size of a South American lemming?’ Or a tennis ball? A can of sardines?

Barry was kind enough to accompany me in a clothes shopping expidition this weekend. I haven’t gained a ton of weight, but enough that I need a few new things. We didn’t have any luck, but then after my workout yesterday I stopped into Sports Chalet and found a bunch of great stuff on sale. My new strategy until I need actual maternity clothes is to buy workout clothing, as it seems to fit me well and I don’t need to ‘dress’ for my job anyhow. Plus the sizing is forgiving enough that I can wear it when I’m not pregnant, too.

Back in my office today, time to turn chaos to order . . .

Week 14, day 2

Ahhhhh – it’s a bit cooler today. The dog wants to go to the (shhhhhh) park. And I made hummus. A bit too much lemon juice but still good and soooo much cheaper than storebought. It makes me think that if I were to manage our budget and do all sorts of cheap healthy cooking we could squeak by on one salary. It’d be tight, mind you. But I hate the idea of handing my infant off to God Knows Who.

We’ll see . . .

Week 14, day 1

Most of what I’ve read about morning sickness states that about 75% of pregnant women get it in their first trimester, a small percentage are ill for their entire pregnancy, that nausea is often not confined to the morning hours, and that the reasons for the phenomenon are not fully understood.

One book I checked out from the library, Exercising through your Pregnancy by James Clapp (which is the best and most research-based source of information on exercise and pregnancy that I’ve read), offers a possible explanation that goes something like this: when a woman becomes pregnant, hormones cause changes to her body, including her vascular system. The reproductive organs, kidneys, and liver become more vascular so as to deliver nutrients and remove toxins. The skin becomes much more vascular to facilitate cooling (which is why concern with pregnant women overheating when exercising in normal temperatures is outdated).

These changes, and others, are apparently relatively rapid. For a time, posits Dr. Clapp, a pregnant woman is short a few pints of blood. It makes sense, then, that you’d feel ill especially if dehydrated. There are also big changes to the way a pregnant woman’s body processes carbohydrates, so it makes sense that there would also be a blood sugar component to morning sickness, which is why many women feel most ill after an 8-hour sleeping fast.

Anyhow, I’ve been lucky with nausea. I’ve gotten ill only when I need to eat or drink more water. I’m often hungry for a specific food or category of food (such as toast or soup), and anything else makes me ill to think of. I try to carry a variety of foods with me, to eat small amounts every 2-3 hours, and to drink a ton of water.

It’s possible that my not having severe nausea is due to my being fit. A fit body is able to maintain blood sugar and pump more oxygen and already has more vascularity, etc., but I really don’t know that for sure. I know fit women who have become quite ill and unfit women who haven’t. It seems like many women are more ill during their 2nd pregnancy.

Anyhow, today is officially the first day of my 2nd trimester and I woke up and puked, except that there wasn’t really anything in my stomach. Gah. I ate a piece of toast and drank a glass of water and felt fine immediately. It’s totally like having the reverse stomach flu. It’s so hot and muggy right now that I suspect I can’t stay fully hydrated no matter how much I drink, so perhaps that’s why. I’m thinking a movie might be a good way to spend the afternoon.

In other more exciting news, we drove up to the Art Affair in Laguna Beach to visit Barry’s parents on Friday evening and had a nice time. They make fine art jewelry and have a booth there. The show is very well juried and has a wide variety of types of art – paintings, drawings, sculpture, wood instruments, really cool wood boxes with secret compartments (!), jewelry, silk clothing, etc.

I’ve always loved functional art, so those wooden boxes really appealed to me, but the most inspirational work I saw was by a Swiss artist named Johann Ulrich. His drawing/paintings remind me of Herman Hesse and Hieronymous (sp?) Bosch and all sorts of other things but are also playful. His booth is next to my in-laws, so we chatted with him and his sister about Swiss culture and politics and art and such.

So, I’m looking forward to the part of having a kid that involves fingerpainting and crayons and construction paper and glorious messes. Not that I don’t do that now, but how much fun it’ll be to explore with and get to know this little creature.

Week 13, day 7

Oh man, if I’m hot and uncomfortable, my girlfriend Catherine who is just about to give birth must be really hot and uncomfortable. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m any more miserable in this heat due to being pregnant right now, ’cause everybody looks wilted. But oof, I sure feel for those who are carrying around a whole big baby in their bellies.

We got up, went to the beach and swam with the dog, went to the icky hot mall to look for a few things for me, went to the pool and are now considering another trek out. It’s nice in the air conditioned car. I didn’t do yoga, I was too hot to consider movement at that level. Lazy day.