Transitions

Baby Walker died on Friday, February 16th at about 5:50pm. He was snuggled in my lap and passed away peacefully.

Apparently his heart swelled up too big from a virus that crossed the placental barrier. They don’t know what or when. This caused his brain to not get enough oxygen, which killed his higher brain.

It is a blessing that he got such good care at the UCSD hospital. It is a blessing that we had health insurance and the money to cover what insurance won’t. It is a blessing that we know that nothing could have been done for him. It is a blessing that he went so peacefully and didn’t simply live in a coma. It is a blessing that we each got to hold him and love him sweetly. It is a blessing that we took him home, even though it freaked the doctors and social worker out and they would have preferred we let him die there. It is a blessing that he died in my arms so softly. It is a blessing that we had such strong support from our spiritual community. It is a blessing that I went through the labor and birth without drugs (and it wasn’t easy – I had back labor and it lasted 32 hours), so that I was able to be present and aware with my baby and husband through the whole thing. It is a blessing that I have glimpsed the miracle of life.

But yeah – we miss him so much.

This is the end of this journal. I’ll be writing letters to my boy on old fashioned paper for now.

New life – day 3

Walker Samuel came into this world on Sunday, February 11th at 5:35 am, weighing 7 pounds 9 ounces and measuring 20 inches. He is a beautiful baby boy.

Unfortunately, he never opened his eyes or cried. He was immediately rushed to the ICU for care. The prognosis is unclear, as are the reasons for the problem. Nothing went wrong during the birth, his heart rate was strong the whole time. He looks perfect. It’s hard to understand.

We are shellshocked and sad and scared. We’re not up to answering a lot of phone calls and stuff, but people are still welcome to call or email or whatever – we just may not be able to get back to you right away.

It’s a terrible thing to find out in this way how much love we have in our lives, but there you have it. We are surrounded by love, and I’ve never seen it so clearly before. Thank you.

week 42, day 2

A good article that address pregnancy after 40-weeks. There are of course also many articles abstracted in Medline, but most of them are difficult reading and deal with specific studies rather than drawing broad conclusions. The results also appear to contradict each other wildly.

I’m not worried about the baby or myself – he’s kicking up a storm and all stats are fine except for my blood pressure, which remains reasonable so long as I don’t exert myself. He’s not gigantor. This trend towards induction didn’t start until fairly recently. And, if the sonogram lady was right, he’s not actually 2-weeks “late” until Thursday.

I am, however, a bit concerned for my sanity. It’s wearing me down to explain myself to people who would never ask so many questions about any other aspect of my personal life (colleagues, aquaintances). And, of course, I don’t want to worry family and friends.

So for the sake of my mental health, general health, and blood pressure, I’m going to hole up and rest at home. The world won’t fall apart without me. Friends and family will get phone calls and emails when there is news.

Week 42, day 1

Just a quick update. No small monkey yet. He has a good heartbeat and is very active, so we see no reason to worry or induce labor. I am fine save for needing to lie around a lot to counteract an apparent inability to regulate all of this extra blood volume. Which works out fine because I’m too tired to do much.