Baby Walker died on Friday, February 16th at about 5:50pm. He was snuggled in my lap and passed away peacefully.
Apparently his heart swelled up too big from a virus that crossed the placental barrier. They don’t know what or when. This caused his brain to not get enough oxygen, which killed his higher brain.
It is a blessing that he got such good care at the UCSD hospital. It is a blessing that we had health insurance and the money to cover what insurance won’t. It is a blessing that we know that nothing could have been done for him. It is a blessing that he went so peacefully and didn’t simply live in a coma. It is a blessing that we each got to hold him and love him sweetly. It is a blessing that we took him home, even though it freaked the doctors and social worker out and they would have preferred we let him die there. It is a blessing that he died in my arms so softly. It is a blessing that we had such strong support from our spiritual community. It is a blessing that I went through the labor and birth without drugs (and it wasn’t easy – I had back labor and it lasted 32 hours), so that I was able to be present and aware with my baby and husband through the whole thing. It is a blessing that I have glimpsed the miracle of life.
But yeah – we miss him so much.
This is the end of this journal. I’ll be writing letters to my boy on old fashioned paper for now.
